Confessions of an Introverted Snark - a character piece

Some days, all I want to write is a wordy opinion (or five hundred) from the mouth of a fictional character (or is it fictional?) This one I "discovered" after staring at the above box sign for a little too long. He's a bit of a jerk, but you might get a kick out of him.

Be sure to stick around to see the opposite character piece later on - the extrovert. That one was also annoying.

Confessions of an Introverted Snark: I probably don’t like you

I probably don’t like you. It’s a default setting that can and will easily change and nothing to be concerned about. I really just don’t like people sometimes. I like quiet. I like it when I hear none of your voices, see none of your faces, have an entire living space to myself and am just able to revel in the serenity that is quiet.

Some call that being antisocial. I'm okay with that.

I was told this had to be of the currently oh so hip “confessions” type piece so therefore, I must confess:

I’m a Jerk

And so are you. Everyone has jerk moments, thus, they are jerks. If you catch me looking about with an air of superiority and boredom, and think, “What an arrogant, antisocial jerk,” (by the way you’re probably a jerk for thinking that, jerk) you’ve just hit the nail on the head, my not friend. It’s nothing personal, so get over yourself. I can also be really bubbly and nice when I want to be. I just usually choose not to be.

I’m not sensitive

You’re an introvert? Oh, you must be sensitive. No, I’m not. Stop with this nonsense. I’m a snark. I shall snark you to death long before I’d cower away in a corner, under a blanket with a flashlight with my feelings and a diary.

“Introverting”

Let me just get this out of my system right now: I really, really, really despise the term “introverting”. I start glowering and seething while laughing hysterically inside when I see someone post a meme or say out loud, “I’m introverting” or something along those lines.

Wow. Let us dissect: 

1.      You’re “introverting” – yet you’re telling everyone about it? Way to “introvert”, buddy.

2.      “I’m sick of people and attention but hang on a second while I tell all these people that I’m sick of them and their attention and do something to get their attention.” This logic confuses me.

“I’m an introvert who’s introverting” – right. Sure you are. No, no you’re not. Introverts don’t do the whole “introverting thing” brilliant one. Introverts ARE introversion. Extroverts introvert. Read that again: extroverts will introvert. They will. They do. The reason why they can is the fact that they are not introverts and thus not of the state of the essence of introversion but rather, extroversion. Sometimes extroverts and introverts switch and introverts decide to have moments of extroversion and extroverts introversion. Extroverts are the essence of extroverting. It’s who they are. If “introverting” is a very definite thing to you and something they really, really need at the moment but certainly not something you are all the time, then you should probably rethink this whole thing. Haven’t you ever wondered why you don’t see memes of extroverts screaming, “I’m extroverting!”?

You’re going to think I’m an extrovert

You laugh, but that's exactly what you're going to be thinking. I can be animated, but that does not an extrovert make. People do make me energized. I love talking and being animated because I’m awesome at it, and I do know how to act like a friendly sociable person when I decide to not stalk about with an air of self-importance. I’ll save that for when I don’t want any of you near me, which will be much sooner than you think.

I’m really, really sarcastic


A lot of you don’t know from the start (but you’ll learn soon enough). I might be smiling and saying things that sound nice but I’m probably just dissing you without your knowledge. I don’t have to hate you to do so. I just do. I mean, if I don’t like you at all chances are I’m not going to associate with you in any way anyway.  So if you have managed to get a good deal of my attention, you can start feeling a bit special now. I probably like you. For now.

1-3 friends, total


Like many, I’ve got a small group of friends I have really, truly enjoyed and benefited from for a long time. Unlike many, that “small group” is about 1-3. You’re probably not one of them. Most of the time the 1-3 don't even count. Like I said, get over yourself.

Be quiet

I hate small talk. I just do. I don’t know if it’s an introvert thing or snarky me thing. But please just skip the whole nonsense and engage my intellect or not at all.

Why I don’t like people: 


They’re loud, annoying, mean and stupid as a whole. That doesn’t mean I always don’t like them or that they’re always like that, it just means I will probably always prefer the animal company first. Cats are great. They’re even snarkier than me sometimes, and that’s quite the feat.

Not all introverts are snarks (that should be obvious but people are surprising when it comes to the obvious), so don’t diss them all because of this particular introverted snark. In fact, I’m pretty sure there’s no one else like me, though the odds say that’s probably wrong. If that’s so I hope I don’t recognize the other me's and they don’t recognize me. We’d all be pretty pissed to find our narcissistic bubbles popped. I’m sure of it.

Later, suckers,

The Introverted Snark